The Narcissist's Prayer

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The Narcissist's Prayer

Supriya McKenna

The Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig) beautifully illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimising poor behaviour, blameshifting and shamedumping all feature in this one simple verse, all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist the 'truth' is not seen as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable - as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it. The truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time.

Let’s take a closer look:

“That didn’t happen”

Here we have denial , mixed in with history rewriting - both classic narcissistic behaviours. If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship you will recognise this instantly. Narcissists need to feel good about themselves. This is an essential part of the personality disorder. They have a desperate need to feel special or perfect, in order to distract themselves from their core wound - which is an underlying feeling of worthlessness. They can’t accept the blame for bad behaviour, as it would challenge this image that they need to project to the world, so they simply deny it.

“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad”

Minimisation is another tactic that is hardwired into the miswired narcissistic brain as a result of how they reacted to their upbringing. Here they diminish the topic concerned, to make it seem unimportant. And to a narcissist, if it doesn’t serve them, it is unimportant. Narcissists will minimise all manner of things, from their own bad behaviour to another’s achievements, to an ill person’s symptoms, to someone else’s problems. Narcissists are intrinsically controlling - they have to control their image and how others see them, and they have to control others in order to escape from the reality of their own fragile egos. Here they are trying to control how others see external situations.

“And if it was, that’s not a big deal”

Of course, this is also minimisation again, but here I want to mention the idea of ‘ gaslighting. ’ Gaslighting is a specific narcissistic behaviour in which the narcissist denies another person’s reality, by making them think that they are perceiving something incorrectly. ‘You are thinking about it all wrong’ is a common narcissistic refrain, in one form or another. If this happens enough times, eventually the victim stops trusting themselves, and starts to rely upon the narcissist in their lives as the ‘voice of reason’ or as the barometer of what is good or right. I knew of a narcissist whose gaslighting was so severe that he would tell his wife that he was drinking tea when actually he was drinking coffee, which she had watched him make. Although she knew somewhere in her heart of hearts that this wasn’t right, she found herself questioning everything she thought she knew. This keeps the victim exactly where the narcissist wants them to be - trapped in their metaphorical cage where they can be manipulated and used to give attention, adoration, drama or conflict to the narcissist, whenever they need it - the oxygen that keeps the narcissist feeling whole and alive.

“And if it is, that's not my fault.”

Another easily recognisable narcissistic behaviour to anyone who has been in a narcissistic relationship - here we are looking at the phenomenon of “ blameshifting” . Narcissists cannot take the blame for anything at all, again, because in doing so they have to admit to themselves that they are not perfect and special, as they have to be in their own minds. Even just letting in the tiniest bit of accountability, through the smallest chink in their armour of superiority, will cause the entire false persona that they project to the outside world to come crashing own, leaving them exposed, ashamed and vulnerable. All narcissists play the victim when they need to. Nothing can ever be their fault - it is always someone or something else’s fault, and they are just the helpless and hapless victim of circumstance.

“And if it was, I didn't mean it”

Again, accountability issues come to the fore here. Narcissists do not apologise and mean it. Not ever. An apology will only come if it benefits them in some way - apologies are transactional, as everything is to a narcissist. Narcissists cannot be seen to be the bad guy, and they cannot bear shame. That feeling of burning shame, the humiliation of it that healthy people learn to take on, unpleasant though it is, is simply not something a narcissist can allow themselves to feel. To them, shame feel like an existential crisis. It must be batted off at all times, usually on to another.

“And if I did, you deserved it.”

Here we have both projection and blameshifting . This transferring of your feelings onto another person so that you do not have to feel them yourself is called ‘projection’, and narcissists are masters of it. If a narcissist incorrectly accuses you of feeling something or doing something, or being a certain way, it is likely that they are projecting on to you, and it is they who are actually feeling that feeling, doing that action or being that way. In this line of the verse the narcissist is projecting their shame onto you. They are blaming you for what they did, so they do not have to bear the shame, and their shining false external image can remain intact and whole. The narcissist often uses illogical arguments to persuade you that something is your fault, or that you have got it all wrong, but delivered with such convincing fanfare that you find yourself fooled. They will often change the direction of their arguments so quickly that you are left utterly confused.

The incidence of narcissism is said to be on the increase, and cultural narcissism is embedded in society. Those with a high prevalence of narcissistic traits flourish in today's climate, where prosperity, success, grandiosity and entitlement are largely seen as positive attributes. Consider the world of politics, which is rife with narcissism, and consider the far reaching implications of this. Sadly the profound negative effects on society and those at at an individual level can be stigmatised and are often swept under the carpet.

Figures vary, with some studies indicating that up to 6% of the population qualify for the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The chances are that even if you do not directly know a narcissist, you know someone who does, and who, most likely, has suffered to some degree at a narcissist's hands.

NPD is known to occur as a result of environmental factors. In other words, narcissists breed narcissists due to the way they bring up their children, and the abused become the abusers.

I believe it falls upon all of us to break these generational chains by raising awareness of narcissistic abuse, and de-stigmatising the experiences of those who have been affected by it. The unique challenges to healing faced by those who have been through the trauma of narcissistic abuse needs to be understood by as many people as possible, as does the fact that mere time, on its own, does not heal these wounds.

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The word "narcissist" is ubiquitous, but are we using it correctly or is it just a buzzword? Expert Dr Supriya McKenna explains what real narcissism is Do you know a narcissist? If you think of your everyday acquaintances, who springs to mind as being a possible narcissist? Your housemate, who is too selfish and lazy to do her own washing up? Your sister, who has never left the house without full make up on? Your work colleague, who is obsessed with designer clothes? Your partner, who cheated on you? Your best friend, who insists on driving a sports car he can’t afford? That date, who ghosted you? But are these people actually narcissists? Well, maybe—but having these traits in isolation doesn’t tell us much. How to recognise a narcissist True "narcissism" is actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real, diagnosable personality disorder, and there is a precise range of very specific behaviours that result from having it. These behaviours go well beyond being just mean, vain or selfish—undesirable and irritating though these are. "You (or someone you know) will definitely know a real narcissist—but it might not be who you think it is" As a society, we have collectively misappropriated the narcissist word—and in using it incorrectly we are downplaying the seriousness of what real narcissism (NPD) is. And worse, because of this, we are missing the true narcissists in our midst. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is estimated to affect up to one in twenty people, although exact figures vary. Each narcissist affects several people to some degree—their partners, children, extended family, friends, work colleagues and even their casual acquaintances. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? NPD is fundamentally a condition of low empathy, where the person has a very limited ability to step into another person’s shoes and feel their pain or joy (or any other emotion).This means that narcissists relate to people on a very different level to an empathic person. Essentially, they cannot deeply care about you, other than in the context of what you can do for them. Confusingly, narcissists are usually able to feign empathy. If we add this low empathy to another hallmark feature of narcissism, a sense of entitlement, you can see how narcissists are able to exploit people for their own gain.The narcissist you know may be exploiting different people for different things. They might be taking credit for other people’s work, using their partner as a domestic slave or provider of sex, and using their children as a way to gain admiration from others. "Narcissists are good at feigning empathy, but they cannot truly feel it" Narcissists see people merely as objects, and their exploitation of others often tips into psychological (and sometimes also physical) abuse. Are narcissists born or made? NPD is partly genetic, but it mostly results from how, as children, the person adapted to a difficult upbringing. As a child, the narcissist developed coping strategies which became "wired in". It’s this wiring that leads to the specific patterns of behaviour that adult narcissists exhibit. The vast majority of people with NPD cannot be cured, although a few specialised psychotherapists report some success. At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame. But these are feelings which a narcissist cannot bear, so they construct a false persona that they hold up to the outside world to hide behind. "At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame" This false persona is a shield. It protects the narcissist from feeling their true feelings—and it is very convincing to the onlooker indeed. But a narcissist’s protective false persona can only survive in the presence of external validation. "Narcissists need attention from others, at all times, preferably through admiration and adoration." In the absence of this, they secure attention by causing drama and conflict—and even by instilling fear into others. When a narcissist is getting enough attention their false persona is strong, and they can believe that they are special and unique. The most important thing to know about narcissists is that it is their desperate need to feel special that drives all of their behaviours, and that their need for attention (which is known as "narcissistic supply") is constant—their armour will crumble without it. Types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder There are four major types of false persona to look out for, which can overlap: The Exhibitionist Narcissist appears to be devastatingly charismatic, and may be clever, funny, or very sexy. They relish attention. The Devaluing Narcissist is openly toxic. They put people down in order to feel better about themselves through ridiculing, shaming, badmouthing and name-calling. The Communal Narcissist presents themselves as a do-gooder—needing to be seen by others as the most generous, most kind or the most caring. And the Closet Narcissist, the hardest type to spot, shies away from the limelight, but often associates with people who are special to feel special by association. They get their attention in much more sneaky ways than the other types of narcissist—often through playing the victim, and they appear quiet, shy and effacing. "But, regardless of outward type, all narcissists exploit others, and no matter how much love they receive, they cannot be "loved better". " Signs of narcissistic behaviour Telltale behaviours of narcissism "Love bombing" at start of relationships Repeating cycles of niceness and nastiness An inability to be alone Lack of deep, long term friendships Inability to take the blame or responsibility, blaming others instead An inability to apologise and mean it Violating boundaries Lying and gaslighting Episodes of rage Jealousy Accusing others of what they themselves are doing Moral hypocrisy Playing the victim Lack of empathy Entitlement Exploiting others Aggression (including passive aggression) Devaluing and badmouthing others (putting them down, ridiculing them) Manipulating and playing people off against each other Selfishness Conditional, shallow love A need to control others "Lying, gaslighting and manipulation are all hallmark traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder " A true narcissist will exhibit nearly all of these behaviours and, the closer you are to them, the more of them you will see. But because they intersperse them with nice times, playing what I call "Nice Narcissist, Nasty Narcissist’" you are likely to find yourself sucked back into the relationship repeatedly. This is what real narcissism looks like, and it’s unhealthy, toxic and hard to escape from. But it’s not so hard to recognise—once you know what to look out for. This article originally appeared in Reader's Digest - you can read it here .