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The narcissist’s new partner - to tell or not to tell.
Supriya McKenna
The narcissist’s new partner - to tell or not to tell.
You are probably a kind person. A rescuer, perhaps. You may have been the sort of person who believes in giving people chances over and over again, believing that all people are intrinsically ‘nice’, because you know that you
are. You are probably very empathic, and feel other people’s pain. You are most likely someone with co-dependent traits, putting your own needs behind meeting the needs of other people. You tend to trust people straight off the bat.
These qualities are, of course, what made you so attractive to the narcissist in your life, because they make you easy to exploit. They make you someone who will give and give - and tolerate, deny or justify poor behaviour from others. Someone who will try harder to be a better partner, friend, coworker, neighbour, parent, child or sibling, even in the face of (often very subtle to start with) narcissistic abuse. And if you are this type of person, a narcissist magnet, it is likely that your replacement, the narcissist’s new partner, is too.
Assuming you have left or been left by your narcissistic partner, it is more than likely that they will have moved on to a new partner with breathtaking speed. Narcissists rarely have a gap between partners, and may have been grooming several potential replacements for you during your relationship. It is more than likely that within weeks, or a few short months, they will have used their charm and charisma to secure their new source of narcissistic supply.
(Remember that everything a narcissist does is to get ‘narcissistic supply’, their oxygen, which is the external validation they need to bolster their lacking self-esteem. They need to divert themselves from the truth of how they really feel about themselves by propping up their false identity, their external image, and they do this by getting attention, adoration, drama or conflict from those around them. Remember that even though they may appear to believe that they are special, and act correspondingly, inside they feel worthless and empty. And although this may be a sad state of affairs for them, change is unlikely, and their abusive behaviour should not be tolerated, or enabled).
Their new partner will invariably have been swept off their feet, as you had been, when you first met the narcissist. They will not stop to consider how short the time frame was between you and them, in the first heady flush of dopamine, oxytocin and serotinin fueled love. They will believe every word of the lies that the narcissist has told about you. They don’t know that the smear campaign is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic behaviour, following a relationship breakdown. The narcissist will play the hard done by victim, purporting to have been preyed on by you, who they will portray as the unreasonable abuser. They may even tell their new partner, their fan club/harem, and anyone else will listen, that it is you who is the narcissist, and due to their charm and plausibility, they will probably be believed. As if this isn’t bad enough, the narcissist’s ‘enablers’ may even be enlisted to also badmouth you, even to their new partner, making them even more of a sitting duck, and even more sympathetic to their plight.
But, as all this happens, instead of just feeling sorry for yourself, as you have every right to feel, you probably find yourself feeling sorry for their new partner. After all, you now know the playbook. You know the drama cycle of the narcissist - the method he or she uses to rope you in and keep you in the game. Lovebombing you at first, acting the role of the perfect partner, being everything you could have dreamed of. You know how this is followed by tiny, subtle criticisms as the devaluing behaviour begins, and you’ll remember how your heart would sink, and how you would try to ignore it, telling yourself that you were just being sensitive. You can probably now see now, just as you were starting to question the narcissist’s behaviour, or doubt their love, how they would plunge straight back into lovebombing mode, and how you would breathe a sigh of relief, blaming their previous behaviour on stress/ tiredness/ life or whatever else helped you to justify it. Most likely, you now see how these cycles would repeat, sometimes over hours, sometimes over days, and sometimes even over months, making you tiptoe around their egos, making you walk on eggshells, making you too weak to call them out on their behaviour. Making you want to get back that perfect first few months, when you felt like you were living in a beautiful dream.
It’s likely that you look at your narcissist’s new partner and see them as you were - a lamb to the slaughter, drawn in by promises of perfect love, of an incredible future. You probably see how, out in the world, the new partner plays their role with aplomb, deliriously happy, blissfully in love, as you may have done. But you know that underneath it all, somewhere, there’s the tiniest niggling doubt, a gut instinct that all is not well, which they are burying deep within them, not wanting to face.
Cognitive dissonance, the brain’s discomfort at having to hold two opposing beliefs at the same, will be at play. On the one hand, their new partner will know that all is not quite right, and on the other, they will want to believe that they are loved, that everything is ok, and that their partner is a nice person. The brain will want to relieve this discomfort, and so it will make a choice as to which belief to hold, by denying, minimising or justifying the other, so that it can be discarded. It happened to you too, and is one the things that the narcissist capitalises on when luring in and keeping a partner.
Most former victims of narcissistic abuse, once they understand the complexities of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, will want to help the narcissist’s new partner (or, more accurately, the narcissist’s ‘new supply’). They will want to warn them, to prevent them from having to go through the horrific discard and relationship breakdown that they went through. They will want to spare them the pain that they will feel if they stay, only to realise that the narcissist, in spite of all proclamations of adoration, couldn’t truly love them, or anyone at all. They will want to save them from the narcissist’s future faking, to tell them how the things they were promised that really mattered to them were just a lie, and would never really materialise, not in the way they thought they would.
The narcissist’s new supply, just like you, initially thinks that they have won life’s lottery. It can be agonising to watch. You may even have moments of doubt, thinking that perhaps the narcissist has changed, and this love affair is the real deal. It isn’t.
But here’s the rub. No matter how tempted you may be to warn them of the truth - don’t do it. Don’t try to save the narcissist’s new supply. They will never believe you, just as you wouldn’t have believed anyone if they had tried to warn you, all that time ago. It will only backfire on you. You will be made to look vengeful and bitter, and the narcissist will garner even more sympathy from their new partner. You will probably even be accused of harassment.
Walk away. Say nothing. Accept that they are on their own journey, and that if that includes narcissistic abuse then that is a matter for them. Stop trying to save them or rescue them, cruel though it may feel. Put your own needs first for a change. It’ll be good for you. Stand back and watch the inevitable fireworks, through your fingers, if you have to, but do not approach.
Now is a time to focus on you, and your own healing. The incredible growth that can be achieved as a result of surviving narcissistic abuse is nothing short of transformational, and although the journey is a difficult one to undertake, it will set you up for a truly happy, contented life, filled with love and possibility. And, if it makes you feel any better, if this is true for you, then it is also true for the narcissist’s new supply. In turning away and allowing them to walk the path of narcissistic abuse, with all its pain, you may, in fact, be handing them a gift. But whether they choose to unwrap it is their choice - and theirs alone.
These qualities are, of course, what made you so attractive to the narcissist in your life, because they make you easy to exploit. They make you someone who will give and give - and tolerate, deny or justify poor behaviour from others. Someone who will try harder to be a better partner, friend, coworker, neighbour, parent, child or sibling, even in the face of (often very subtle to start with) narcissistic abuse. And if you are this type of person, a narcissist magnet, it is likely that your replacement, the narcissist’s new partner, is too.
Assuming you have left or been left by your narcissistic partner, it is more than likely that they will have moved on to a new partner with breathtaking speed. Narcissists rarely have a gap between partners, and may have been grooming several potential replacements for you during your relationship. It is more than likely that within weeks, or a few short months, they will have used their charm and charisma to secure their new source of narcissistic supply.
(Remember that everything a narcissist does is to get ‘narcissistic supply’, their oxygen, which is the external validation they need to bolster their lacking self-esteem. They need to divert themselves from the truth of how they really feel about themselves by propping up their false identity, their external image, and they do this by getting attention, adoration, drama or conflict from those around them. Remember that even though they may appear to believe that they are special, and act correspondingly, inside they feel worthless and empty. And although this may be a sad state of affairs for them, change is unlikely, and their abusive behaviour should not be tolerated, or enabled).
Their new partner will invariably have been swept off their feet, as you had been, when you first met the narcissist. They will not stop to consider how short the time frame was between you and them, in the first heady flush of dopamine, oxytocin and serotinin fueled love. They will believe every word of the lies that the narcissist has told about you. They don’t know that the smear campaign is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic behaviour, following a relationship breakdown. The narcissist will play the hard done by victim, purporting to have been preyed on by you, who they will portray as the unreasonable abuser. They may even tell their new partner, their fan club/harem, and anyone else will listen, that it is you who is the narcissist, and due to their charm and plausibility, they will probably be believed. As if this isn’t bad enough, the narcissist’s ‘enablers’ may even be enlisted to also badmouth you, even to their new partner, making them even more of a sitting duck, and even more sympathetic to their plight.
But, as all this happens, instead of just feeling sorry for yourself, as you have every right to feel, you probably find yourself feeling sorry for their new partner. After all, you now know the playbook. You know the drama cycle of the narcissist - the method he or she uses to rope you in and keep you in the game. Lovebombing you at first, acting the role of the perfect partner, being everything you could have dreamed of. You know how this is followed by tiny, subtle criticisms as the devaluing behaviour begins, and you’ll remember how your heart would sink, and how you would try to ignore it, telling yourself that you were just being sensitive. You can probably now see now, just as you were starting to question the narcissist’s behaviour, or doubt their love, how they would plunge straight back into lovebombing mode, and how you would breathe a sigh of relief, blaming their previous behaviour on stress/ tiredness/ life or whatever else helped you to justify it. Most likely, you now see how these cycles would repeat, sometimes over hours, sometimes over days, and sometimes even over months, making you tiptoe around their egos, making you walk on eggshells, making you too weak to call them out on their behaviour. Making you want to get back that perfect first few months, when you felt like you were living in a beautiful dream.
It’s likely that you look at your narcissist’s new partner and see them as you were - a lamb to the slaughter, drawn in by promises of perfect love, of an incredible future. You probably see how, out in the world, the new partner plays their role with aplomb, deliriously happy, blissfully in love, as you may have done. But you know that underneath it all, somewhere, there’s the tiniest niggling doubt, a gut instinct that all is not well, which they are burying deep within them, not wanting to face.
Cognitive dissonance, the brain’s discomfort at having to hold two opposing beliefs at the same, will be at play. On the one hand, their new partner will know that all is not quite right, and on the other, they will want to believe that they are loved, that everything is ok, and that their partner is a nice person. The brain will want to relieve this discomfort, and so it will make a choice as to which belief to hold, by denying, minimising or justifying the other, so that it can be discarded. It happened to you too, and is one the things that the narcissist capitalises on when luring in and keeping a partner.
Most former victims of narcissistic abuse, once they understand the complexities of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, will want to help the narcissist’s new partner (or, more accurately, the narcissist’s ‘new supply’). They will want to warn them, to prevent them from having to go through the horrific discard and relationship breakdown that they went through. They will want to spare them the pain that they will feel if they stay, only to realise that the narcissist, in spite of all proclamations of adoration, couldn’t truly love them, or anyone at all. They will want to save them from the narcissist’s future faking, to tell them how the things they were promised that really mattered to them were just a lie, and would never really materialise, not in the way they thought they would.
The narcissist’s new supply, just like you, initially thinks that they have won life’s lottery. It can be agonising to watch. You may even have moments of doubt, thinking that perhaps the narcissist has changed, and this love affair is the real deal. It isn’t.
But here’s the rub. No matter how tempted you may be to warn them of the truth - don’t do it. Don’t try to save the narcissist’s new supply. They will never believe you, just as you wouldn’t have believed anyone if they had tried to warn you, all that time ago. It will only backfire on you. You will be made to look vengeful and bitter, and the narcissist will garner even more sympathy from their new partner. You will probably even be accused of harassment.
Walk away. Say nothing. Accept that they are on their own journey, and that if that includes narcissistic abuse then that is a matter for them. Stop trying to save them or rescue them, cruel though it may feel. Put your own needs first for a change. It’ll be good for you. Stand back and watch the inevitable fireworks, through your fingers, if you have to, but do not approach.
Now is a time to focus on you, and your own healing. The incredible growth that can be achieved as a result of surviving narcissistic abuse is nothing short of transformational, and although the journey is a difficult one to undertake, it will set you up for a truly happy, contented life, filled with love and possibility. And, if it makes you feel any better, if this is true for you, then it is also true for the narcissist’s new supply. In turning away and allowing them to walk the path of narcissistic abuse, with all its pain, you may, in fact, be handing them a gift. But whether they choose to unwrap it is their choice - and theirs alone.
A blog post for family lawyers
Narcissism isn't real. Or is it...?
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Most lawyers don't know what drives a narcissist
The word "narcissist" is ubiquitous, but are we using it correctly or is it just a buzzword? Expert Dr Supriya McKenna explains what real narcissism is Do you know a narcissist? If you think of your everyday acquaintances, who springs to mind as being a possible narcissist? Your housemate, who is too selfish and lazy to do her own washing up? Your sister, who has never left the house without full make up on? Your work colleague, who is obsessed with designer clothes? Your partner, who cheated on you? Your best friend, who insists on driving a sports car he can’t afford? That date, who ghosted you? But are these people actually narcissists? Well, maybe—but having these traits in isolation doesn’t tell us much. How to recognise a narcissist True "narcissism" is actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real, diagnosable personality disorder, and there is a precise range of very specific behaviours that result from having it. These behaviours go well beyond being just mean, vain or selfish—undesirable and irritating though these are. "You (or someone you know) will definitely know a real narcissist—but it might not be who you think it is" As a society, we have collectively misappropriated the narcissist word—and in using it incorrectly we are downplaying the seriousness of what real narcissism (NPD) is. And worse, because of this, we are missing the true narcissists in our midst. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is estimated to affect up to one in twenty people, although exact figures vary. Each narcissist affects several people to some degree—their partners, children, extended family, friends, work colleagues and even their casual acquaintances. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? NPD is fundamentally a condition of low empathy, where the person has a very limited ability to step into another person’s shoes and feel their pain or joy (or any other emotion).This means that narcissists relate to people on a very different level to an empathic person. Essentially, they cannot deeply care about you, other than in the context of what you can do for them. Confusingly, narcissists are usually able to feign empathy. If we add this low empathy to another hallmark feature of narcissism, a sense of entitlement, you can see how narcissists are able to exploit people for their own gain.The narcissist you know may be exploiting different people for different things. They might be taking credit for other people’s work, using their partner as a domestic slave or provider of sex, and using their children as a way to gain admiration from others. "Narcissists are good at feigning empathy, but they cannot truly feel it" Narcissists see people merely as objects, and their exploitation of others often tips into psychological (and sometimes also physical) abuse. Are narcissists born or made? NPD is partly genetic, but it mostly results from how, as children, the person adapted to a difficult upbringing. As a child, the narcissist developed coping strategies which became "wired in". It’s this wiring that leads to the specific patterns of behaviour that adult narcissists exhibit. The vast majority of people with NPD cannot be cured, although a few specialised psychotherapists report some success. At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame. But these are feelings which a narcissist cannot bear, so they construct a false persona that they hold up to the outside world to hide behind. "At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame" This false persona is a shield. It protects the narcissist from feeling their true feelings—and it is very convincing to the onlooker indeed. But a narcissist’s protective false persona can only survive in the presence of external validation. "Narcissists need attention from others, at all times, preferably through admiration and adoration." In the absence of this, they secure attention by causing drama and conflict—and even by instilling fear into others. When a narcissist is getting enough attention their false persona is strong, and they can believe that they are special and unique. The most important thing to know about narcissists is that it is their desperate need to feel special that drives all of their behaviours, and that their need for attention (which is known as "narcissistic supply") is constant—their armour will crumble without it. Types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder There are four major types of false persona to look out for, which can overlap: The Exhibitionist Narcissist appears to be devastatingly charismatic, and may be clever, funny, or very sexy. They relish attention. The Devaluing Narcissist is openly toxic. They put people down in order to feel better about themselves through ridiculing, shaming, badmouthing and name-calling. The Communal Narcissist presents themselves as a do-gooder—needing to be seen by others as the most generous, most kind or the most caring. And the Closet Narcissist, the hardest type to spot, shies away from the limelight, but often associates with people who are special to feel special by association. They get their attention in much more sneaky ways than the other types of narcissist—often through playing the victim, and they appear quiet, shy and effacing. "But, regardless of outward type, all narcissists exploit others, and no matter how much love they receive, they cannot be "loved better". " Signs of narcissistic behaviour Telltale behaviours of narcissism "Love bombing" at start of relationships Repeating cycles of niceness and nastiness An inability to be alone Lack of deep, long term friendships Inability to take the blame or responsibility, blaming others instead An inability to apologise and mean it Violating boundaries Lying and gaslighting Episodes of rage Jealousy Accusing others of what they themselves are doing Moral hypocrisy Playing the victim Lack of empathy Entitlement Exploiting others Aggression (including passive aggression) Devaluing and badmouthing others (putting them down, ridiculing them) Manipulating and playing people off against each other Selfishness Conditional, shallow love A need to control others "Lying, gaslighting and manipulation are all hallmark traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder " A true narcissist will exhibit nearly all of these behaviours and, the closer you are to them, the more of them you will see. But because they intersperse them with nice times, playing what I call "Nice Narcissist, Nasty Narcissist’" you are likely to find yourself sucked back into the relationship repeatedly. This is what real narcissism looks like, and it’s unhealthy, toxic and hard to escape from. But it’s not so hard to recognise—once you know what to look out for. This article originally appeared in Reader's Digest - you can read it here .
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What was it about you that attracted the narcissist to you in the first place?
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