Making the decision to leave – why is it so hard?

Dr Supriya McKenna

Why is leaving a narcissist so emotionally difficult?

You might be wondering, at times, whether you are overreacting to all of this. After all, you will know people who have had difficult relationships, who have either chosen to stay, or decided to leave, and whilst they might have found the process hard, they seemed to cope better than you. Yes, they had periods of ‘ugly crying on the bathroom floor’, but nothing quite like what you are experiencing.


Maybe I am just weak, you might be thinking. In fact, the opposite is likely to be true. The longer you were able to stay in this relationship, the stronger you are likely to be in temperament, just to have been able to cope with the experience – although I appreciate that you probably don’t feel that way now.


Maybe the fact that you are finding this so difficult is a sign ‘from above’ that you should stay? Just ‘listen to your gut’, people might be advising you. And yes, it is a scientific fact that there is an ancient connection between your gut and brain, which alerts you to things without you needing to think it through consciously. But you may have lost touch with those gut feelings and, given that you have ended up in a relationship with a narcissist, you probably won’t be hugely trusting of any gut feelings you do have for quite a while. And that's entirely normal in this situation.


Difficulty trusting yourself

Your plans to leave will probably be sabotaged by memories of how strong your love felt at the start, when you thought you had met your soulmate. Here your brain is reminding you of the good times, and making you question yourself about whether your partner is a narcissist after all. You'll hope that things can be mended, and may well tell yourself that you will do whatever it takes to beat the odds, to make everything okay. Perhaps at this point you can smile again, laugh even. But only for a while, until the darkness returns, and you remember the many other things about your partner which make you suspect that they are a narcissist.


This flip-flopping between beliefs is horrifically difficult to cope with, and it can go on for months (or even years) – but this is an entirely normal psychological process. It occurs because the human brain finds it extremely difficult to hold two opposing beliefs at the same time, because this feels psychologically very uncomfortable. So instead, at any one time, it chooses just one belief. The beliefs it will be struggling with at this point are likely to be Belief A, ‘my partner is a narcissist’, versus Belief B, ‘my partner is not a narcissist’.


As the memories your brain suppressed (or never allowed into your conscious mind) start to reach your awareness, it will choose Belief A ('my partner is a narcissist'), with all the resulting emotional consequences for you. But, as the other memories resurface, usually of the initial love bombing phase, and the other idealising phases of the ‘nice narcissist/nasty narcissist’ cycle, your brain will choose Belief B (‘my partner is not a narcissist’).


The fact that your brain is likely to be swinging between two versions of the truth makes it very hard for you to trust yourself, which can paralyse your decision-making ability.


"This flip-flopping between beliefs is horrifically difficult to cope with,

and it can go on for months (or even years) –

but this is an entirely normal psychological process"



Grief

Regardless of whether you choose to stay or decide to leave, something has been irretrievably lost. The partner who you believed to be the person of your dreams, who you may have loved more deeply than you love yourself (as victims of this type of relationship often do), is no more. They are never coming back. Worse, much worse than that – they were never real to begin with.


Years, or even decades, may have passed since you first met and fell for them, and this is likely to be the first time that you have ever had to face this awful truth: your relationship was a lie. You will start to revisit every memory from a different perspective, and place upon it a different meaning.


It’s worse than parting through death, because you may feel that you do not have the right to grieve the loss of something that wasn’t even real - but believe me, you have every right to grieve, painful though the process is. There is no way of getting out of the grieving process, and one day, it will come to an end. What I can suggest is that you turn towards it and embrace it, because, quite simply, the sooner you do that, the quicker it will be over.

There are a number of models of grief, from a scientific perspective, but the one that I feel is the closest in relevance to this situation remains the Kübler-Ross model. There are five parts to this – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are not ‘stages’ to go through in order, as originally proposed – you can experience them at the same time, and you can also vacillate back and forth between them.


When feelings overwhelm you, I want you to understand that these are normal parts of the grieving process, and if you can identify which of the parts you are experiencing at the time, it can be really helpful in allowing you to have a little self-compassion. These are feelings you need to actually feel, so your brain can process them, uncomfortable as they are, so give yourself permission to completely give in to them when they occur.


Denial

Denial (‘this isn’t really happening’) will probably already be familiar to you.


Anger

Anger may also be something you have already experienced, perhaps in waves. You’ll probably feel anger towards yourself, towards your partner, towards anyone who enabled them, towards anyone who made you susceptible to this type of relationship (perhaps your parents) and towards life itself. Anger in this context is a healthy emotion, no matter what anyone tells you. Let it out in any safe way you can. Rant to a close friend, howl at the moon, scream, punch your pillow, do whatever exercise may help you to express it, or angrily write in your journal, but try not to express this anger to your partner (as absolutely no good will come of it).


Bargaining

Bargaining is usually a way to try to gain some control over the situation. You may make a deal with God, if you are spiritual (‘if I do this thing will you make it better?’) or you may hope that therapy or couples counselling will cure your partner, or help them to finally understand and change. In bargaining, you are clinging to the hope that you can make things as you want them to be.


Depression

Depression occurs as you see the situation as it is, coming to realise that you cannot change it – tiredness, loss of appetite, low mood, crying and an inability to enjoy anything can occur here.


Acceptance

Acceptance is the final part, which tends to come on intermittently, in waves. Over time, its presence will become a more stable feature of your life, but you cannot hasten its onset. It’ll happen – all in good time.

It's not hard to see how being sideswiped by grief makes things so emotionally difficult.


“You don’t just ‘leave’ a narcissist – you escape them”


Hope

We are always told to ‘never give up hope’, but in the case of narcissistic relationships, hope is just a trickster. All through your grieving process you are likely to be intermittently hijacked by hope, and it can feel wrong, as a positive person, to just shut it down.


I want you to know that I am not saying that you cannot stay in a relationship with a narcissist – I am merely saying that any hope you may have that it can be a mutually fulfilling, loving, equally reciprocated relationship is false. You have been fooled in many ways for a long time, and you have been made to question your judgment and your self-trust. It's hard not to slip back into fooling yourself with false hope.


Guilt

Guilt is another major player in the maelstrom of emotions that you will be feeling, and your Achilles heel, when it comes to being susceptible to being sucked back into the relationship, even after you’ve made the decision to leave.

Guilt that you made vows (if you did), in which you said ‘in sickness and in health’ (because NPD is a ‘sickness’ after all, right?). Guilt about the children not having a two-parent home. Guilt about them having to leave their schools and the house they love because the finances won’t stretch, if you break up. Guilt about having to re-home your beloved dog. Guilt about just ‘giving up’ and not trying harder. There might be religious guilt, guilt at letting down your in-laws, guilt at breaking up social circles and making people ‘choose sides’ – the list goes on.

Your tendency to feel guilt will have been exploited many times by your partner, throughout your relationship, probably through numerous episodes of victim playing. You are exceptionally good at feeling guilt. No wonder it can derail any thoughts of leaving.


Why does it hurt so much?

MRI scan studies have shown that the pain that we feel when a significant relationship ends lights up the same areas of the brain that light up in physical pain. The severity of that pain, which is felt as emotional distress, is equivalent to the physical pain felt from a severe burn or a broken arm – an ‘eight out of 10’ kind of pain, where 10 would be intolerable. No one can be expected to think clearly when they are in pain of this level.


Euphoric recall

The victims of narcissists have a tendency to remember past events in a positive light, and to forget the negative things associated with those events. Like looking back on things with ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, euphoric recall is defined as ‘the act of remembering events positively’. This phenomenon is probably partially responsible for keeping you stuck in your narcissistic relationship, and, even now that you have an understanding of NPD, it can still play a part in confusing you, when it comes to deciding whether to leave.


Trauma-bonding

It is thought that the trauma-bonding to your partner that you have experienced is essentially an addiction to them, caused by the randomly alternating neurochemical highs and lows produced by their cycles of ‘nice narcissist and nasty narcissist’. You will likely feel that there is still a bond between you of gravitational proportions, as a result of this trauma bonding. Overcoming this pull is something that people in 'normal' relationships simply will not be able to understand.


Fear of repercussions

There will inevitably be a big power imbalance between you and your partner, and it is normal for victims of narcissistic abuse to be scared of their partner, often with good reason. If you've tried to leave before, threats will have been made. Threats to prevent you from seeing the children, threats to make false allegations of abuse against you to the police and financial threats, to name just a few. Narcissists use fear to exert control, and you will know that they intend to ramp this up during the divorce process (because they will have told you). Your narcissistic partner doesn't want you to leave, as they need you as their most trusted primary source of narcissistic supply, and they will do everything they can to scare you into staying. And if you do choose to leave, they will do everything they can to punish you for your choice. No wonder leaving is scary.


This is not a 'normal' break-up

Please understand that emotionally detaching from a narcissist is much harder than a ‘normal’ break-up, precisely because you have to break a serious addiction at the same time as experiencing all the other things mentioned in this piece. So, if you are beating yourself up about how ‘badly’ you are coping, go easy on yourself - and please don't listen to anyone who tells you any different - they simply do not, and cannot, understand what you are going through, unless they have a deep understanding of NPD.

As you will know, you don't just 'leave' a narcissist - you escape them. This is an awful lot harder than just walking out the door. Take your time. Build up your resilience. You'll know when the time is right.


by Dr Supriya McKenna • 17 March 2025
Do I actually need a lawyer? You may be wondering whether you need a lawyer if you are divorcing, as it is possible in some countries, including in the UK, to apply for a divorce online. However, here in the UK at least, there are three bits to the process – the paper exercise of the divorce, which you don’t need a lawyer for, and the other two parts – the finances and the children. Settling the finances with a narcissist is unlikely to happen without legal input, sadly, as narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement, a need to ‘win’, a lack of empathy regarding your circumstances, a need for narcissistic supply through causing drama and conflict, a belief that you (once you have split up) are ‘all bad’ and deserving of punishment, and a need to draw out the process for as long as possible, by continually shifting goalposts. Add to that the fact that they are practised liars, and will not tell the truth about their finances, and you can see why successfully sorting things out on your own with them is highly unlikely (and probably impossible). If they decide to cause conflict with the children, as they often do, lawyers may well also be needed here. Note that it is possible to represent yourself in court, without a lawyer, but that this tends to work best later on, when you have gained experience in how the system works, and are feeling emotionally stronger. I discuss the benefits of being a ‘Litigant in Person’ in Chapter 28 of my book Narcissists in Divorce: From Leaving to Liberty - The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth. In the UK there are two types of divorce lawyer – the ‘solicitor’ who does the day-to-day work and liaises directly with you, and the ‘barrister’ (who speaks on your behalf in court, and gives more complicated legal advice). If your barrister has been instructed by your solicitor you can only contact them via your solicitor. However, some barristers (‘direct access barristers’) can be instructed directly by clients, without a solicitor being involved. I need to be brutally frank here, and tell you that far too many lawyers will not disclose the reality of the dysfunctional court system to clients, and they have a vested commercial interest in protracted cases, which narcissistic divorces often become. The wrong lawyer can easily rack up your legal bills but leave you with little to show for it. This is particularly true in the UK for solicitors. So, if you happen to be a UK father, whose narcissistic wife is preventing you from seeing your children, you might want to contact Fathers 4 Justice (www.fathers-4-justice.org) before deciding on whether to instruct a solicitor. Unfortunately, no such cost-effective organization exists exclusively for mothers battling abusive fathers in the UK. However, the UK charity Familes Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk) does provide resources to parents of any gender, for a membership fee. But regardless of where in the world you live, most of you will need to know how to go about finding the right lawyer. The fact of the matter is this: most lawyers do not understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder to the extent they need to, to be able to help you effectively. And many will simply pooh-pooh the idea that your partner is a narcissist, because this is a term that commonly gets bandied around incorrectly, especially in break-ups. I recently gave a talk to 250 lawyers about NPD, during which I asked how many of them had been told by a client that their ex was a narcissist, within the last 2 months. Every single hand went up. I then asked how many of them, having spent a bit of time on these cases, now thought that they were dealing with a ‘real’ narcissist. Only five hands remained in the air, and as I gave my talk, I could see these lawyers nodding their heads vigorously, as I described true narcissistic divorce behaviors. So you can see the problem – the ‘buzzword’ use of the narcissism word, in the general population, means that lawyers are unlikely to take your concerns seriously, until significant emotional, legal and financial damage has already been done. This means that, unless you have a strong recommendation of someone who specifically understands NPD, you are going to have to interview quite a few lawyers (they will often offer free initial consultations) until you find the best one for you. It may be that you have to settle for a lawyer who understands domestic abuse and coercive control instead, but only if they are willing to learn about NPD, and will take all of your concerns seriously. It may also serve you to choose a lawyer who is not in your local area, especially as, since Covid, most consultations can be carried out remotely. You may have a distinct advantage if you do this, as an out-of-area lawyer will not have a reputation of ‘being reasonable’ to maintain with your local judges, and is more likely to actually fight for you, rather than trying to tiptoe around or placate the judge. Lawyers care deeply how their local judges view them – and this can be to your detriment. How to interview a potential lawyer When interviewing potential lawyers, you will need to: Explain the narcissist’s behaviors Explain how you have been affected Ask the lawyer specific questions Explaining your partner’s behaviors Describe the behaviors that you (and any children) have been subjected to during your relationship, with specific examples of each behavior. It’s definitely worth writing these down, to keep you focused. Include examples of: Physical abuse (often not present at all in NPD, however). Rape or sexual boundary violations. Repeatedly putting you down, criticizing you, or calling you names. Isolating you from friends and family. Manipulative behaviors. Exploitative behaviors where they have used you for their gain. Passive aggression (such as silent treatments or stonewalling you). Projection (accusing you of things that they themselves are doing or being, for example accusations of affairs or flirting). Favoring a ‘golden child’ over a ‘scapegoat’, and having an ‘invisible child’. Going through repeated cycles of being nice to you, but then being nasty (the ‘cycle of idealization and devaluation’). Lovebombing at the start of the relationship. Low empathy towards you and the children. Entitled behavior. Controlling behaviors such as: Controlling your finances, or preventing you from having a job. Restricting your access to transport. Threats, including of blackmail (e.g. revenge porn). Threats if you leave them (including threats of suicide). Monitoring how you spend your time. Monitoring your communication with others. Exerting control over your everyday life, such as dictating where you go, who you see, what you wear and preventing you from sleeping. Stopping you from accessing support services, such as medical services or specialist support (including for the children). Forcing you to take part in criminal activity such as taking the blame for their offenses (e.g. speeding tickets). Destroying or damaging household goods, or cruelty to pets Gaslighting such as by: Telling you that you are ‘crazy’. Telling you lies that make you question your reality. Rewriting history so that you question your memory. Invalidating your feelings (e.g. telling you that your feelings are ‘wrong’). Explaining how you have been affected Include examples such as: Walking on eggshells. Continually trying to please them with ‘fawning’ behaviors. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, complex PTSD. Any physical illnesses. Loss of confidence/self-esteem/support systems. Asking the lawyer specific questions You will want to know: What they understand by the term Narcissistic Personally Disorder. If they tell you that they ‘don’t believe in labelling people’, that ‘everyone thinks their ex is a narcissist’, that narcissists are ‘just another word for high-conflict’ or that it ‘makes no difference whether your partner is a narcissist’ to the legal process and your divorce, get out of there, immediately. If they blithely tell you that they are completely au fait with dealing with narcissists, make sure they tell you the specifics of how narcissists behave in divorce. (A client of mine was once duped by his lawyer into believing that he understood NPD because he had written a blog post on his firm’s website about it. £85,000 later, and no further on in the case, it became patently clear that his lawyer’s blog post had simply been a way to jump on the NPD bandwagon, to attract clients, and in fact, he didn’t really have a clue.) How much experience they have of narcissistic divorces, and what they think the chances are of settling things out of court (through negotiation through lawyers or mediation, for example). If they pride themselves on never or rarely having cases that end up in court, they probably do not have the experience that you need, as the fact is that most divorces like this end up in court. Whether they think narcissists ‘calm down’ over time, and become more reasonable as the divorce progresses. The correct answer is that they do not. If they get this wrong, they have failed the interview. Whether narcissists have the best interests of their children at heart. If they tell you that ‘all parents love their children, whether narcissists or not’ they will not be right for you, and they will enable a lot of damage to be done before they work out the truth. Whether they will help you write any witness statements for court, and put together your financial disclosure, or whether they will just leave this to you. Whether they will go through your partner’s financial disclosure (such as their bank statements) in detail with you, looking for discrepancies and missing information, or whether they expect you to do this without them (most simply do the latter). Whether they are willing to learn about NPD (on their own time) and take on board what you tell them about it, so that your case runs more smoothly. Key takeaways It may take a while to find a lawyer who fits the bill. But whatever you do, don’t choose a ‘nice’ lawyer (with little experience of domestic abuse, coercive control or NPD) over a less personable one who does have the required experience. So often, my clients admit to me that they gave their kindly lawyer repeated chances, because they ‘liked them’, and because they thought that they could learn about NPD during their case, and so help others later on. I’m going to be stern here: you do not just need ‘nice’, ‘understanding’ and ‘sympathetic’ – you need effective too. And as to educating your lawyer so that they can help others (if this is part of your thought process) – again, this may go against the grain, but now is the time for prioritizing your needs and those of your family. I also have to caution you that a senior lawyer who seems very experienced may actually be too stuck in their ways to be effective in your case, although that’s not always true. Conversely, a very junior lawyer might find themselves overwhelmed by everything that comes their way during your case, but be unable to be honest about this with you, and carry on regardless. I’ll warn you now – you may well have to change lawyers at some point in the process, and I explain this further in Chapter 31 of Narcissists in Divorce: From Leaving to Liberty - The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth , from which this blog post was adapted.
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The word "narcissist" is ubiquitous, but are we using it correctly or is it just a buzzword? Expert Dr Supriya McKenna explains what real narcissism is Do you know a narcissist? If you think of your everyday acquaintances, who springs to mind as being a possible narcissist? Your housemate, who is too selfish and lazy to do her own washing up? Your sister, who has never left the house without full make up on? Your work colleague, who is obsessed with designer clothes? Your partner, who cheated on you? Your best friend, who insists on driving a sports car he can’t afford? That date, who ghosted you? But are these people actually narcissists? Well, maybe—but having these traits in isolation doesn’t tell us much. How to recognise a narcissist True "narcissism" is actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real, diagnosable personality disorder, and there is a precise range of very specific behaviours that result from having it. These behaviours go well beyond being just mean, vain or selfish—undesirable and irritating though these are. "You (or someone you know) will definitely know a real narcissist—but it might not be who you think it is" As a society, we have collectively misappropriated the narcissist word—and in using it incorrectly we are downplaying the seriousness of what real narcissism (NPD) is. And worse, because of this, we are missing the true narcissists in our midst. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is estimated to affect up to one in twenty people, although exact figures vary. Each narcissist affects several people to some degree—their partners, children, extended family, friends, work colleagues and even their casual acquaintances. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? NPD is fundamentally a condition of low empathy, where the person has a very limited ability to step into another person’s shoes and feel their pain or joy (or any other emotion).This means that narcissists relate to people on a very different level to an empathic person. Essentially, they cannot deeply care about you, other than in the context of what you can do for them. Confusingly, narcissists are usually able to feign empathy. If we add this low empathy to another hallmark feature of narcissism, a sense of entitlement, you can see how narcissists are able to exploit people for their own gain.The narcissist you know may be exploiting different people for different things. They might be taking credit for other people’s work, using their partner as a domestic slave or provider of sex, and using their children as a way to gain admiration from others. "Narcissists are good at feigning empathy, but they cannot truly feel it" Narcissists see people merely as objects, and their exploitation of others often tips into psychological (and sometimes also physical) abuse. Are narcissists born or made? NPD is partly genetic, but it mostly results from how, as children, the person adapted to a difficult upbringing. As a child, the narcissist developed coping strategies which became "wired in". It’s this wiring that leads to the specific patterns of behaviour that adult narcissists exhibit. The vast majority of people with NPD cannot be cured, although a few specialised psychotherapists report some success. At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame. But these are feelings which a narcissist cannot bear, so they construct a false persona that they hold up to the outside world to hide behind. "At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame" This false persona is a shield. It protects the narcissist from feeling their true feelings—and it is very convincing to the onlooker indeed. But a narcissist’s protective false persona can only survive in the presence of external validation. "Narcissists need attention from others, at all times, preferably through admiration and adoration." In the absence of this, they secure attention by causing drama and conflict—and even by instilling fear into others. When a narcissist is getting enough attention their false persona is strong, and they can believe that they are special and unique. The most important thing to know about narcissists is that it is their desperate need to feel special that drives all of their behaviours, and that their need for attention (which is known as "narcissistic supply") is constant—their armour will crumble without it. Types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder There are four major types of false persona to look out for, which can overlap: The Exhibitionist Narcissist appears to be devastatingly charismatic, and may be clever, funny, or very sexy. They relish attention. The Devaluing Narcissist is openly toxic. They put people down in order to feel better about themselves through ridiculing, shaming, badmouthing and name-calling. The Communal Narcissist presents themselves as a do-gooder—needing to be seen by others as the most generous, most kind or the most caring. And the Closet Narcissist, the hardest type to spot, shies away from the limelight, but often associates with people who are special to feel special by association. They get their attention in much more sneaky ways than the other types of narcissist—often through playing the victim, and they appear quiet, shy and effacing. "But, regardless of outward type, all narcissists exploit others, and no matter how much love they receive, they cannot be "loved better". 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