Making the decision to leave – why is it so hard?
Why is leaving a narcissist so emotionally difficult?

You might be wondering, at times, whether you are overreacting to all of this. After all, you will know people who have had difficult relationships, who have either chosen to stay, or decided to leave, and whilst they might have found the process hard, they seemed to cope better than you. Yes, they had periods of ‘ugly crying on the bathroom floor’, but nothing quite like what you are experiencing.
Maybe I am just weak, you might be thinking. In fact, the opposite is likely to be true. The longer you were able to stay in this relationship, the stronger you are likely to be in temperament, just to have been able to cope with the experience – although I appreciate that you probably don’t feel that way now.
Maybe the fact that you are finding this so difficult is a sign ‘from above’ that you should stay? Just ‘listen to your gut’, people might be advising you. And yes, it is a scientific fact that there is an ancient connection between your gut and brain, which alerts you to things without you needing to think it through consciously. But you may have lost touch with those gut feelings and, given that you have ended up in a relationship with a narcissist, you probably won’t be hugely trusting of any gut feelings you do have for quite a while. And that's entirely normal in this situation.
Difficulty trusting yourself
Your plans to leave will probably be sabotaged by memories of how strong your love felt at the start, when you thought you had met your soulmate. Here your brain is reminding you of the good times, and making you question yourself about whether your partner is a narcissist after all. You'll hope that things can be mended, and may well tell yourself that you will do whatever it takes to beat the odds, to make everything okay. Perhaps at this point you can smile again, laugh even. But only for a while, until the darkness returns, and you remember the many other things about your partner which make you suspect that they are a narcissist.
This flip-flopping between beliefs is horrifically difficult to cope with, and it can go on for months (or even years) – but this is an entirely normal psychological process. It occurs because the human brain finds it extremely difficult to hold two opposing beliefs at the same time, because this feels psychologically very uncomfortable. So instead, at any one time, it chooses just one belief. The beliefs it will be struggling with at this point are likely to be Belief A, ‘my partner is a narcissist’, versus Belief B, ‘my partner is not a narcissist’.
As the memories your brain suppressed (or never allowed into your conscious mind) start to reach your awareness, it will choose Belief A ('my partner is a narcissist'), with all the resulting emotional consequences for you. But, as the other memories resurface, usually of the initial love bombing phase, and the other idealising phases of the ‘nice narcissist/nasty narcissist’ cycle, your brain will choose Belief B (‘my partner is not a narcissist’).
The fact that your brain is likely to be swinging between two versions of the truth makes it very hard for you to trust yourself, which can paralyse your decision-making ability.
"This flip-flopping between beliefs is horrifically difficult to cope with,
and it can go on for months (or even years) –
but this is an entirely normal psychological process"
Grief
Regardless of whether you choose to stay or decide to leave, something has been irretrievably lost. The partner who you believed to be the person of your dreams, who you may have loved more deeply than you love yourself (as victims of this type of relationship often do), is no more. They are never coming back. Worse, much worse than that – they were never real to begin with.
Years, or even decades, may have passed since you first met and fell for them, and this is likely to be the first time that you have ever had to face this awful truth: your relationship was a lie. You will start to revisit every memory from a different perspective, and place upon it a different meaning.
It’s worse than parting through death, because you may feel that you do not have the right to grieve the loss of something that wasn’t even real - but believe me, you have every right to grieve, painful though the process is. There is no way of getting out of the grieving process, and one day, it will come to an end. What I can suggest is that you turn towards it and embrace it, because, quite simply, the sooner you do that, the quicker it will be over.
There are a number of models of grief, from a scientific perspective, but the one that I feel is the closest in relevance to this situation remains the Kübler-Ross model. There are five parts to this – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are not ‘stages’ to go through in order, as originally proposed – you can experience them at the same time, and you can also vacillate back and forth between them.
When feelings overwhelm you, I want you to understand that these are normal parts of the grieving process, and if you can identify which of the parts you are experiencing at the time, it can be really helpful in allowing you to have a little self-compassion. These are feelings you need to actually feel, so your brain can process them, uncomfortable as they are, so give yourself permission to completely give in to them when they occur.
Denial
Denial (‘this isn’t really happening’) will probably already be familiar to you.
Anger
Anger may also be something you have already experienced, perhaps in waves. You’ll probably feel anger towards yourself, towards your partner, towards anyone who enabled them, towards anyone who made you susceptible to this type of relationship (perhaps your parents) and towards life itself. Anger in this context is a healthy emotion, no matter what anyone tells you. Let it out in any safe way you can. Rant to a close friend, howl at the moon, scream, punch your pillow, do whatever exercise may help you to express it, or angrily write in your journal, but try not to express this anger to your partner (as absolutely no good will come of it).
Bargaining
Bargaining is usually a way to try to gain some control over the situation. You may make a deal with God, if you are spiritual (‘if I do this thing will you make it better?’) or you may hope that therapy or couples counselling will cure your partner, or help them to finally understand and change. In bargaining, you are clinging to the hope that you can make things as you want them to be.
Depression
Depression occurs as you see the situation as it is, coming to realise that you cannot change it – tiredness, loss of appetite, low mood, crying and an inability to enjoy anything can occur here.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the final part, which tends to come on intermittently, in waves. Over time, its presence will become a more stable feature of your life, but you cannot hasten its onset. It’ll happen – all in good time.
It's not hard to see how being sideswiped by grief makes things so emotionally difficult.
“You don’t just ‘leave’ a narcissist – you escape them”
Hope
We are always told to ‘never give up hope’, but in the case of narcissistic relationships, hope is just a trickster. All through your grieving process you are likely to be intermittently hijacked by hope, and it can feel wrong, as a positive person, to just shut it down.
I want you to know that I am not saying that you cannot stay in a relationship with a narcissist – I am merely saying that any hope you may have that it can be a mutually fulfilling, loving, equally reciprocated relationship is false. You have been fooled in many ways for a long time, and you have been made to question your judgment and your self-trust. It's hard not to slip back into fooling yourself with false hope.
Guilt
Guilt is another major player in the maelstrom of emotions that you will be feeling, and your Achilles heel, when it comes to being susceptible to being sucked back into the relationship, even after you’ve made the decision to leave.
Guilt that you made vows (if you did), in which you said ‘in sickness and in health’ (because NPD is a ‘sickness’ after all, right?). Guilt about the children not having a two-parent home. Guilt about them having to leave their schools and the house they love because the finances won’t stretch, if you break up. Guilt about having to re-home your beloved dog. Guilt about just ‘giving up’ and not trying harder. There might be religious guilt, guilt at letting down your in-laws, guilt at breaking up social circles and making people ‘choose sides’ – the list goes on.
Your tendency to feel guilt will have been exploited many times by your partner, throughout your relationship, probably through numerous episodes of victim playing. You are exceptionally good at feeling guilt. No wonder it can derail any thoughts of leaving.
Why does it hurt so much?
MRI scan studies have shown that the pain that we feel when a significant relationship ends lights up the same areas of the brain that light up in physical pain. The severity of that pain, which is felt as emotional distress, is equivalent to the physical pain felt from a severe burn or a broken arm – an ‘eight out of 10’ kind of pain, where 10 would be intolerable. No one can be expected to think clearly when they are in pain of this level.
Euphoric recall
The victims of narcissists have a tendency to remember past events in a positive light, and to forget the negative things associated with those events. Like looking back on things with ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, euphoric recall is defined as ‘the act of remembering events positively’. This phenomenon is probably partially responsible for keeping you stuck in your narcissistic relationship, and, even now that you have an understanding of NPD, it can still play a part in confusing you, when it comes to deciding whether to leave.
Trauma-bonding
It is thought that the trauma-bonding to your partner that you have experienced is essentially an addiction to them, caused by the randomly alternating neurochemical highs and lows produced by their cycles of ‘nice narcissist and nasty narcissist’. You will likely feel that there is still a bond between you of gravitational proportions, as a result of this trauma bonding. Overcoming this pull is something that people in 'normal' relationships simply will not be able to understand.
Fear of repercussions
There will inevitably be a big power imbalance between you and your partner, and it is normal for victims of narcissistic abuse to be scared of their partner, often with good reason. If you've tried to leave before, threats will have been made. Threats to prevent you from seeing the children, threats to make false allegations of abuse against you to the police and financial threats, to name just a few. Narcissists use fear to exert control, and you will know that they intend to ramp this up during the divorce process (because they will have told you). Your narcissistic partner doesn't want you to leave, as they need you as their most trusted primary source of narcissistic supply, and they will do everything they can to scare you into staying. And if you do choose to leave, they will do everything they can to punish you for your choice. No wonder leaving is scary.
This is not a 'normal' break-up
Please understand that emotionally detaching from a narcissist is much harder than a ‘normal’ break-up, precisely because you have to break a serious addiction at the same time as experiencing all the other things mentioned in this piece. So, if you are beating yourself up about how ‘badly’ you are coping, go easy on yourself - and please don't listen to anyone who tells you any different - they simply do not, and cannot, understand what you are going through, unless they have a deep understanding of NPD.
As you will know, you don't just 'leave' a narcissist - you escape them. This is an awful lot harder than just walking out the door. Take your time. Build up your resilience. You'll know when the time is right.











